All in From the Heart

They refuse everything you give them. You long for the days of old when a boob would suffice and you knew they were getting all the nutrients they needed. You worry that they aren't getting enough calcium or potassium. Oh crap! What about iron? Do you think they are getting enough iron? 

Before having kids, you promised you wouldn't give your offspring Mac & Cheese every night. Instead, they'd be "cultured" and would like things like curry and sushi (at least the unauthentic cooked kind). Now you *actually* have kids and they don't eat squat.

Pregnancy after loss - for some reason I was in denial that the possibility of a miscarriage would happen to me... until it happened. I ended up having a d and c and after that was planning on waiting a few months to start trying again and then BAM... pregnant, about 2 weeks after the procedure. 

I wasn't filled with excitement or the tears of happiness that I was with my first. I instantly felt anxiety and my head filled with all the 'what ifs' and it didn't go away until my son was in my arms. I never felt like I would actually get my baby. Ultrasounds were the worst for me (that's how I found out I lost my first), I went in blissfully unaware anything was wrong. 

Last night my son lost his stuffed tiger. We talked and talked about all the places he'd taken him and he was nowhere to be found. It took him over 3 hours to fall asleep and he was inconsolable.

My heart ached as I listened to him talk and cry about tiger, not understanding why I couldn't fix the problem. I wanted to fix it so bad, but I just couldn't. I looked everywhere. We texted grandma to see if tiger was there, but she looked all over and tiger was no where to be found. I couldn't help him and I couldn't comfort him. We were both weary and tired and no closer to finding tiger.

I didn't always dream of having babies. I fell into this role like Alice down the rabbit hole - terrified and ecstatic, unsure and amazed all at once. This change from an egocentric existence to living and breathing for another life did not always feel "worth it." I had days of questioning not only my abilities as a mother, but my decision to take it on in the first place.

"But being a stay-at-home mom was the loneliest kind of lonely, in which she was always and never by herself." - Barbara Kingsolver

Motherhood is isolating.

Even with all of the park meetups and community classes where you are around other parents and kids, there is still an emptiness that comes with being a mom.

Yesterday we hit the trifecta of home ownership issues. Do you notice how, like with famous people dying, house issues hit in 3s? The air conditioning went out. A handful of electrical outlets decided to stop working, including the one our fridge likes to be plugged into. Then someone (*cough*me*cough*) left a rotisserie chicken carcass in our outdoor trash and it is now infested with maggots which are becoming flies which are wanting to get into our house because all of our windows are open. #firstworldproblems, I know.

"I see those moms who are bending down to their kid's level, speaking in a soft tone as their child quietly does what they say. How come that doesn't work for me?" I shared with my mom the other day as I was lamenting over the fact that I'm not the quiet, gentle-spirited mother I always dreamt I'd be.

"Those moms are just different than you." My mom explained that softer quieter souls breed softer quieter (aka more submissive) children. "Your home will always be a little more volatile than other homes, because you are...spirited."

Moms are never missed

Everyday my husband walks in through the door and my children run full speed, trying to cut corners which never works given that corners are made from walls and walls can hit you in the face if you run into them. They brush it off and keep on running, all the while yelling his name over and over with the level of excitement that makes me assume he must be made of ice cream covered in sprinkles and presents. Every day between 5:30 and 6:00pm, my husband is greeted with enthusiasm and joy. The kids run into his long arms and squeeze him with with all they have. They tell him they love him and they tell him they missed him.

I'm a messy mom.

"Be honest, you are a messy person in general." I could tell he was watching the words slowly leave his mouth as if they were being physically written in the air like a painfully cliche airplane sky writing proposal. I'm sure he was wishing he could grab those words, pull them back and shove them into his mouth before they reached my ears. If the regret of speaking that phrase didn't kill him, my "oh, heeeeeellllll no" stare would probably do the job.

Every single day, I feel unqualified to write or talk about how hard momming actually is. I look around at friends with twins, or triplets or 4 kids or 6 or 7 kids and I watch them thrive as mothers. I watch their children fall in line like ducklings when their mama calls them. I watch their children play nicely. I see those healthy, well-balanced meals they pin or share on Instagram and I can't help but think "what is wrong with me that I can't even handle two kids?"

You can have it all, but you can't do it all

I've been gone quite a while. It almost makes me feel unqualified to come back, but lately I have been hearing the Lord gently say to my heart "Speak to women." And then today, I received an email from one of you who shared your heart with me and reminded me that this is important. So, forgive my absence and thanks for letting me share my life with you.

I'm back and totally not "doing it all"

I so want to be one of those women you see on the internet who DOES IT ALL. You know - all of the the things. She raises well-behaved children, runs a successful business out of her home on top of maintaining a blog that encourages women while generating income for her family. Her house is clean and organized and looks like an anthropolgie ad. She actually has six-pack abs (you know it from her instagram account) and makes healthy balanced Whole30 meals for her entire family every night and her kids LOVE it. She always has her hair curled and make up on (but not too much make up, just enough to make her look refreshed without seeming to try too hard). On top of all this she is an active servant in her church AND reads her Bible, journals and prays on the reg. 

Trying to Sell Our Home With Littles: Tired & busy with a pinch of madness

My apologies for the hiatus. Also forgive me for assuming you cared. For the sake of my opening sentence, I'll pretend you do. So, thank you for caring and I'm sorry I have been offline (sort of) the past several weeks. What happened, you ask? Well, we decided we wanted to be insane people and attempt to sell our home while we are still a family with two under two. Again, this is all because we are nutballs.