All in Self-Doubt

They refuse everything you give them. You long for the days of old when a boob would suffice and you knew they were getting all the nutrients they needed. You worry that they aren't getting enough calcium or potassium. Oh crap! What about iron? Do you think they are getting enough iron? 

Before having kids, you promised you wouldn't give your offspring Mac & Cheese every night. Instead, they'd be "cultured" and would like things like curry and sushi (at least the unauthentic cooked kind). Now you *actually* have kids and they don't eat squat.

I once was a mom of #2under2. That had it's many challenges. It's like having 2 babies, but babies who have different needs and are in two totally different developmental stages. In that first 6 months of having two under two, we all cried every single day. Then once my little one turned 1, it started to get easier and every day after that got easier and easier.

My kids are now 2 and 3 and they are BFFs, except when they are not.

I didn't always dream of having babies. I fell into this role like Alice down the rabbit hole - terrified and ecstatic, unsure and amazed all at once. This change from an egocentric existence to living and breathing for another life did not always feel "worth it." I had days of questioning not only my abilities as a mother, but my decision to take it on in the first place.

"But being a stay-at-home mom was the loneliest kind of lonely, in which she was always and never by herself." - Barbara Kingsolver

Motherhood is isolating.

Even with all of the park meetups and community classes where you are around other parents and kids, there is still an emptiness that comes with being a mom.

Yesterday we hit the trifecta of home ownership issues. Do you notice how, like with famous people dying, house issues hit in 3s? The air conditioning went out. A handful of electrical outlets decided to stop working, including the one our fridge likes to be plugged into. Then someone (*cough*me*cough*) left a rotisserie chicken carcass in our outdoor trash and it is now infested with maggots which are becoming flies which are wanting to get into our house because all of our windows are open. #firstworldproblems, I know.

"I see those moms who are bending down to their kid's level, speaking in a soft tone as their child quietly does what they say. How come that doesn't work for me?" I shared with my mom the other day as I was lamenting over the fact that I'm not the quiet, gentle-spirited mother I always dreamt I'd be.

"Those moms are just different than you." My mom explained that softer quieter souls breed softer quieter (aka more submissive) children. "Your home will always be a little more volatile than other homes, because you are...spirited."